Did You Miss Dumb Criminals? Here They Are… 3-11-2020 The Morning Mess

A 30-year-old guy named Jerry Watkins was arrested in Kenosha, Wisconsin around 2:30 A.M. on Saturday after he caused a scene at a bar. And after a cop handcuffed Jerry . . . Jerry managed to get a grip on the cop’s JUNK.  Over the pants, if you’re curious. According to the police report, Jerry squeezed so tight that he, quote, “caused a very sharp, intense pain.”  The cop started hitting him to try to get him to let go, but it didn’t work, so the cop screamed for help. Quote, “He’s got my [d***]!  Spray him, spray him!  He’s got my [d***]!”  Some other cops pepper sprayed Jerry, which got him to let go.  He’s been charged with two felonies:  Battery on a law enforcement officer and causing substantial bodily harm or soft tissue injury to an officer. The cop had to go to the hospital because of some discoloration down there . . . and the doctors have recommended that he go see a specialist. 

Around 2:45 A.M. on Sunday, the police in Oxford, Ohio found a young couple in the stairwell of their police headquarters making out. Why were they there?  They said they thought it was the stairwell of a DORM. Apparently the woman was visiting her friend at Miami University of Ohio, and tried to bring the guy back to her friend’s dorm . . . but she confused it with a police station that was several blocks away. They both smelled like alcohol, and when the cops asked for ID, both of them gave FAKE IDs. They were both charged with disorderly conduct and taken to actual dorms. The woman told the cops, quote, “This is kind of embarrassing now that I think about it.”  

the Las Cruces, New Mexico police recently arrested ‘Beyonce’. Officers stopped Surena Henry because she was driving a stolen car. The 48 year-old told them she was the singer Beyonce. then she told cops that she found the keys to the car and decided to take it for a ride. Surena is now facing several charges.

Authorities in Louisiana began investigating Stormy Lynn Parfait, 33, on Friday, shortly after she showed up at the jail to pay the bond fee for an inmate being held there on drug charges. After catching a whiff of the cash, a detective searched her car while she was still at the jail and found nearly $40,000 more inside, along with about 100 Klonopin pills and a food stamp card that wasn’t registered to Parfait, according to the sheriff’s statement. Investigators found hundreds of additional pills and cash as well as marijuana, cocaine and paraphernalia, during a search of Parfait’s home later.  Parfait was charged with multiple counts of possession with intent to distribute drugs, four counts of illegal use of a controlled drug in the presence of persons under 17, taking contraband to or into a correctional institution and other related charges 

the Beaverton, Oregon police are looking for a binge-watching burglar. William and Emily Bellew were sleeping when a burglar broke into their home, watched several hours of the TV show Frontier on Netflix and then took off with food, gadgets and medication. The burglar covered his face after he realized security cameras were recording him